Bubbies Bubbies Everywhere

Somehow I blinked and the entire season of Real Housewives of New Jersey came and went. Don't get me wrong, I watched all those episodes, but i thought I had months to get my act together and blog - apparently not the case. Now I am forced to give you an introduction and a closing to the season all at once.

I think part of the reason I haven't mentioned the "goyls" of New Jersey yet is that I don't really like any of them. There is no addition to my circle of housewife friends in the group, though Ms. Danielle gave me a new person to despise. I don't dislike her as much as Kelly Bensimon or Sheree from Atlanta, mainly because I just feel sorry for her. She has a smoking bod, but her face looks like a cartoon. Her only friends are her children, who get to meet and bond with her 26-year-old balding boyfriend that visits the home for BJs. When they finally break up, Danielle assures her kids that the guy wants to be a part of their lives, but oldest child rolled her eyes simultaneously with me and my dog.

I read somewhere that this series originally began as some sort of mob family reality show. After the Housewives genre took off, the producers realized this could be smooshed into the same category with an instant following. While there are no direct references to the mob, everyone seems to pay for things in cash. Also, the matriarch of the family (though she is just one of the sisters) gets a german shepherd because she is "well-known." You don't train a dog to attack because you are well-known, you doit because you're afraid you'll get whacked.

I don't quite understand the relationship between all the gals, but I'll give it a go:

Dina and Caroline are sisters, and they happen to be married to brothers. Then, Jacquelyn is married to Dina and Caroline's brother. After that, Jacquelyn is friends with Danielle, though everyone else hates her, and Theresa is friends with everyone, but mainly she is friends with Dina and Caroline. Theresa seems to be the richest of them all, as she is building a monstrosity filled with marble and tile that she pays for completely in cash.

Now that you know how they're related, let us start the examination of their character. Since they have exposed their lives to Bravo for all to see, I am free to judge. In turn, they may judge my writing skills.

Let's start with Theresa, who originally I thought could join any spa/wine tasting events I plan for my Housewives that I am so fond of. I still probably like Theresa the best, but she has a bit of a meltdown in the finale that makes no sense. She also gets a "bubbie" job in the middle of the series after saying she didn't want one, and pushes her child into modeling/acting. It's quite cute that her three little adorable munchkins dress in matching accessories, but their rampage throughout a kids clothing store demanding everything on and off a hanger was a bit much. Perhaps she could benefit from reading Alex McCord's book? Theresa also claimed to dislike Danielle, but then invited her to everything that the girls did together.

On to Jacquelyn, who is undoubtedly the Deshawn character of the group, which means she isn't exciting enough and will be replaced before the next season. Jacquelyn's only point was to anguish over whether she should be Danielle's friend or take her sisters' side and cut off all ties with Danielle. Since it was never clear what on Earth Jacquelyn got from the friendship, I am forced to believe that Jacquelyn is just a little bug that likes to be stepped on. Jacquelyn also spent a lot of time whining about miscarriages and her daughter being a brat. I will admit that I have cried on an episode of Real Housewives before, I'm not too proud to say that a tear or two have been shed along the bumpy housewife ride. Unfortunately, I can't remember which episode - though I can assure you it had nothing to do with Gretchen's fake tears over her pretend boyfriend. Anyway, I never shed a tear for Jacquelyn, though Bravo desperately hoped I would.

Let's cover Dina and Caroline together, since Caroline reminded me in almost every preview that her family is "thick as thieves." Dina has a daughter that is actually quite charming and maybe if she isn't tainted could be a part of my inner Housewives circle. Dina is also married, though we never see her husband. I think Dina runs an interior design business, but it seems she spends more time just hanging out with her disgusting bald cat. Caroline has three children, including a nice looking slice who is in law school. The other two aren't interested in doing anything other than mooch off their parents.

Last, but not least, we have Danielle. Even though Danielle is cringe-worthy to watch, I don't believe she is mean-spirited or thinks she is better than anyone (unlike my arch-enemy Kelly). Instead, she is just on the road to Patheticville. She is so pinched and pulled and desperate for love I can't watch her. She is also not the sharpest pencil in the box. Danielle wants to be a part of the group so badly, but the others dislike her so it isn't going to happen. In the first or second episode she has a a blind date with a man she has been having phone sex with for months. The man stands her up (shocking), so she sits at the bar on her own sitting all prim and pursing her lips (cringe). At one point, Danielle tries to make peace with Dina and her approach is to throw her arms around her enemy and speak right into her face until Dina gives up.

The only real drama that occurs in this entire season revolves around a stupid book that was written about Danielle. Dina and Caroline find the book and show it to Jacquelyn and presumably others. In the book, Danielle is accused of kidnapping, drug trafficking, and all sorts of other things. Danielle is shunned by the group and the others on the show, even though she swears she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. In the finale, Danielle is invited to dine with the others at a party Theresa is hosting. Clearly, Danielle was only invited because Bravo stepped in and commanded that Theresa extend an invitation. Danielle shows up late to the party, and listens to Theresa regale the others with tales of her husband trying to mount her on the drive home from her bubbie surgery. Out of the blue, Danielle pulls out the book that has caused all the drama and places it on the table. She glances around and everyone is silent - because WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO SAY? Theresa demands the kids leave the table because sex stories are fine but a book they can't even read could cause problems.

Danielle seems to only be concerned with the fact that Dina told everyone about the book. Dina says she did not spread the word, and Caroline says that she is the one that showed everyone the book. Danielle won't accept this and continues to accuse Dina. Eventually, Dina admits she did tell everyone about the book and that's about it. Somehow Jacquelyn gets involved and takes Danielle's side because she knew all along that Dina was showing people the book. Why didn't Jacquelyn tell Danielle? Why did Caroline bother to say she showed the book to people? Why did Dina care about hiding the fact the showed everyone the book? Why does Danielle want to hang out with these people. Why do I care enough to ask so many questions?

As if the season wasn't annoying enough, the finale fizzled out in the same manner. I get it- they all hate Danielle. Did I need to sit through the season to see that?

I assume there will be a reunion, though I haven't seen ads for one yet. Perhaps it's pointless because how much more can they yell at Danielle? Or is it because no one gives a rat's ass about the stupid book.

Maybe young Albie could have his own show. That I might watch.

Bring on the Real Housewives of DC!